Why did I buy my son a dress? The short answer: Because he asked me to. And it was on special.
The long answer…
Seven years ago, when I was pregnant with my first child, a mother of two daughters told me that if I had a girl, my life would become “pink pink pink, all princesses and fairies”.
“It’s unavoidable,” she insisted. “It’s just the way girls are.”
My inner feminist started kicking me, and growled, “We’ll see about that.”
It’s not that I hate the pink fairy princess thing… oh, okay I do. It’s so samey-samey, so boring. So disturbing, too. Why do people want to impose sexist stereotypes on kids at such an early age? We get bothered by sexism at an adult level, so why is rampant sexism encouraged when it involves toddlers? Why is it wrong to judge female politicians and athletes based on their looks, but fine to continually tell little girls how pretty they are? Why complain about the pay gap between men and women when girls have spent the early years of their lives in training for the non-existent careers of fairies and princesses? (Sorry, Mary and Kate – of course it’s a real job for you two).
My daughter has a gender-neutral name, one chosen for her before I knew if she would be a boy or a girl. When she was a baby, she wore onesies in a range of colours, including pink and blue. (And black. As a baby, she looked cool in black.) I just wanted her to be comfortable. I didn’t put her in dresses or anything fancy. If I wanted to play dress-ups, I would have bought a Barbie.
As soon as she was old enough, I let her choose her own clothes, taking her to both the boys’ and girls’ section of the store. (It’s just a sign, not a law.) Her preference was for tops with pictures of cats on them, and jeans. She didn’t want to wear dresses. Her favourite colour, from the age of one, has always been turquoise, or “bluey-green”, as she used to call it. My mother-in-law gave her a couple of dolls when she was young, but she wasn’t interested in them. Her favourite things have been books, animals, stuffed animals, Lego, messy art projects, sticks, rocks and puddles. I’ve always let her choose her own Christmas and birthday presents, too. (For all those people who moan that girls’ toys aren’t as imaginative as boys’ toys, as I said, it’s a sign, not a law. Anyway, a lot of toy stores don’t have sections marked “girls” or “boys” anymore. If you choose to walk down the pink aisle to buy presents for your daughter, you’re the one choosing to perpetuate the stereotype.)
I sometime felt guilty looking at the dresses hanging up in the wardrobe, bought by friends and relatives but never worn. I wondered if my next child might want to wear dresses. Well, he did.
I dressed my baby boy in the same kind of clothes as my baby girl, onesies in a range of colours. When he was wearing pink, people would sometimes grin and say, “Hand-me-downs from his sister?” Uh, no. I bought him pink clothes, along with blue. It felt a bit odd the first time, but it made me confront the last traces of my own sexism. If we think it’s embarrassing for a boy to dress like a girl, aren’t we really saying that girls are inferior?
Colours are just colours. If adults are allowed to wear a range, kids should be too. (If adult women were expected to wear pink every day, wouldn’t that be a bit restrictive? Pink doesn’t suit every complexion.) Anyway, the whole “blue for boys/pink for girls” thing is just a recent convention, reinforced by manufacturers keen to make parents buy a new lot of everything once a child of a different gender comes along. As if being a parent isn’t already expensive enough…
My son is now three and has been choosing his own clothes for the past couple of years – again, from both the boys’ and girls’ sections of the store. His current favourite colour is orange, but it used to be pink. I remember him getting very upset one day because he couldn’t find pink shoes with flowers on them in his size.
“Oh,” said the shop assistant sympathetically, “does your daughter like everything to be pink with flowers on it?”
“He’s my son,” I told her, “and yes.”
At one point he asked me to buy him a dress. I suggested that maybe he would like to wear one of the dresses already hanging up in the wardrobe, but no. He wanted his own. So we went to the store and bought one. It was the end of summer, and they were on special. He chose a dress and I put it on him. He spun around and breathed, “I’m beautiful!”
We took it home, but he only wore it once or twice after that. Lucky I didn’t pay much for it.
These are my son’s current favourite things: toy cars, baking (especially cupcakes), punk music, Lego, books, going to cafes, games of make-believe, and, of course, the ever-popular sticks, rocks and puddles.
I love watching my kids discover new passions. I love that they never get put off trying anything because it’s “for boys” or “for girls”.
I know things will probably change as they get older and their peers become more of an influence. My daughter wore long pants when she started school, but when one of the other kids asked if she was a boy or a girl, she began wearing a dress and long pants every day. (Not exactly within the school dress code, but no one’s complained yet.) She now has one other dress she sometimes wears on special occasions, but her current favourite outfit is a crocodile costume.
This is what I want for my kids when they grow up: to find a career they love, and to find a person they love. I’m not particularly fussed about what that career is, or who that person is. My aim is to expose them to as many experiences and ideas as possible, let them make their own choices, and support those choices.
Right now my son wants to be a house painter (that is, someone who paints pictures of houses) and a roadworker. My daughter wants to be a graffiti artist and a police officer. At the same time, obviously.
Whatever makes them happy. And I really do mean that.
Motherthunker 